Re: The [Cz-L] Bukowina Jewish Cook-Book

Dear Hardy,

Just received these juicy recipe depictions of our favourite Czernowitz delicacies.
Perhaps we add them as an epilogue to the Cz-L Bukowina Jewish Cook Book? Or better, perhaps, as a prologue?
If I did not know better, I would surmise that you are the originator of this hilarious oevre, but I suppose it was a kindred spirit, with an equally sharp pun-pen...

Enjoy!!!!

Regards

Mordecai

Jewish Weapons of Mass Destruction

Latkes

http://www.jr.co.il/humor/jewish-food-latkes.jpg

A pancake-like structure, not to be confused with anything a first-class
health restaurant would put out. In a latke the oil remains inside the
pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkes can
be eaten with applesauce but COULD also be used to comb your hair, shine
your shoes or lubricate your automobile. There is a rumor that in the time
of the Maccabees, they lit a latke by mistake and it burned for eight days.
What is certain is that you will have heartburn for the same amount of time.
It tastes GREAT but will stop your heart if the grease gets cold.

Kasha Varnishkes

http://www.jr.co.il/humor/jewish-food-kasha-varnishkes.jpg

One of the little-known "delicacies" that is even more difficult to
pronounce than it is to cook. It has nothing to do with varnish, but is
basically a mixture of buckwheat and bowtie noodles (not macaroni). Why
bowties? Many sages in the Old Testament discussed this and agreed that an
ancient Jewish mother must have decided, 'Son, you can't come to the table
without a tie or, G-d forbid, place your elbow on the table." If Mamma said
'bowties,' you better believe that's what the family used, even if they had
to invent them on the spot.

Blintzes

http://www.jr.co.il/humor/jewish-food-blintzes.jpg

Not to be confused with the German war machine's 'blintzkrieg.' Can you
imagine the Jerusalem Post in '39 with huge headlines announcing: 'Germans
drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes on Poland. Shortage of sour cream
expected'? Basically, this is the Jewish answer to Crepe Suzettes. They are
actually offered on the menu at the local International House of Pancakes,
but no one there knows what the hell they are. In ignorant bliss, they often
serve them frozen from the blintz factory. No modern woman will take time to
make them if she can find a grocery store selling frozen ones (assuming she
can find someone in that store who knows where they are kept).

Kishke

http://www.jr.co.il/humor/jewish-food-kishke.jpg

You know from Scottish Haggis? Well, this it ain't. Remember what I say if
you should go to the Highlands: You do not want to eat Haggis, no matter
how much Scotch you've downed. In the old days they would take an intestine
and stuff it to make kishke. Today we use parchment paper or plastic (made
in China). And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour and
spices. The skill is not to cook it alone, but to add it to the cholent (see
below) and let it simmer for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever
that there is any nutritional value left. The gravy can be purchased in bulk
at any southern Bisquitville drive-thru.

Kreplach

http://www.jr.co.il/humor/jewish-food-kreplach.jpg

They sound worse than they taste. There is a rabbinical debate on their
origins. One Rabbi claims they began when a Chinese fortune cookie fell into
the chicken soup. Another claims they started in an Italian restaurant,
where the owner yelled at the chef, 'Disa pasta tastes like-a krep!' Either
way it can be soft, hard, or soggy, and the amount of meat inside depends on
whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it. Tastes best
if made in a Manhatten deli where they serve the soup by the barrel-load.

Cholent

http://www.jr.co.il/humor/jewish-food-cholent.jpg

This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for
centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes and bones or
meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact
with. Precursor of Superglue. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher, of
course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his
first taste of Mexican refried beans: 'What, they serve leftover cholent
here too?" A Jewish American Princess once came up with something original
for her guests (her first and probably last cooking attempt at the age of
25). She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came
back. The dogs ate the burgers but later threw up and had to be taken by
ambulance to the pet emergency room.

Gefilte Fish

http://www.jr.co.il/humor/jewish-food-gefilte-fish.jpg

A few years ago, an Israeli politician had problems with the filter in his
fish pond and a few of his fish got rather stuck and mangled. His son (5
years old at the time) looked at them and asked, "Is that why we call it
'ge-filtered fish?" Originally it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and
vegetable mixture. Today it usually is comprised of small fish balls eaten
with horseradish (pronounced 'chrain' to rhyme with 'insane,' which you have
to be to inflict it on your innards) and is judged on its relative strength
in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces. The VERY NAME OF THIS DISH
FRIGHTENS FULLY GROWN AND SOPHISTICATED GENTILES and they actually run when
it is merely mentioned..

Matzoh

http://www.jr.co.il/humor/jewish-food-matzot.jpg

Israel 's punishment for escaping slavery. It consists of a simple mix of
flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all. When made especially well, it
could actually taste like a cardboard box recycled from the Tel Aviv city
dump. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for
a long time--sometimes far too long--and you are advised to eat lots of
prunes with it. If the prunes do not work, try castor oil, or even gun
powder as a last resort before a surgeon has to mine it out.

Bagels
http://www.jr.co.il/humor/jewish-food-bagels.jpg

How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish defense weapon, the
bagel? Like most foods there are legends surrounding the bagel, although I
don't know any other than it was first discovered when unsugared donuts
accidentally petrified. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors
of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox.
Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating smoked salmon or trout on
white bread? Rye ? A cracker? Naaa! The Israel Defense Forces research lab
looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the
spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room in
desert-maneuvers ration kits. And why the hole? The truth is that many
philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there to
indicate where the hole is placed
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Received on 2014-01-10 08:49:37